Group F: Italy 1 : Uruguay 1

It is hard for me to remain objective about this match-up as the Italian soccer team consists of goat-licking, deep-see diving amateur players and professional narcissists.

I mean just look them. It would be easier to make a vacuum cleaner pass the Turing test than figure out who has least the amount of an hard-on for himself amongst them.

You might think Mauro Camoranesi with his ponytail because he's not looking into the camera but that's misleading. He's actually mesmerized by the way his reflection is caught in a little puddle of water. You might think that I'm biased. Because they dived and kicked out Australia on the resulting penalty at the last World Cup, because they won against Germany in the semifinal in 06 (perhaps the greatest game of that World Cup. Probably tied with Zidane lighting fireworks over Brazil's ass and Portugal and the Netherlands massacring each other), maybe I'm biased because Andrea Pirlos attractiveness is negatively correlated with his ability to make deadly passes and free kicks (Hint: He's really fucking good at soccer). And the answer is yes. I am. If Italy wins again I will make love to the George Washington statue outside of Olin library at WashU and have a good ol' cig after wards. There would be nothing more too lose. My dignity would be crying in a ball of hay in a shed violently taken by a Calabrian farmer's boy.

I think it's important to stress at this point that I absolutely love Italy. Yes as any country they have their problems like


you know your prez banging a bunch of eighteen year olds with a bunch of foreign minister in a Villa. Oh and he also controls the media and AC Milan.

And there's that whole deal where the Italian mafia or camorra controls the trash disposal industry and strikes and all of Napoli drowns in trash.



But there's also good things from Italy. For example what happens when I disable safe search and google "Italian Women". They have a great history. Six fucking years of Latin in high school have taught me the cultural heritage of the Roman Empire quite well. You know those people that conquered the entire Mediterranean, Northern Africa, Egypt, Turkey even those insufferable ancestors of the French but they drew the line with us Germans. Why? Because every time we saw them with their shields and their sandals we just had a deep urge to bash their heads in with some rocks just as now with the Italian soccer team.


Sorry for not mentioning the Paraguayans. They actually played quite well, scored a header goal from a free-kick, thus essentially out-Italianizing the Italians. But the Italians retorted in similar fashion and it was a draw which is sad because it looks like Pirlo is going to be fit again soon. So to play us out I leave you with the most attractive bench player of the tournament.



Uhh, baby let's make a soccer team.

P.S. The amount of naked men in this post was completely intentional.