Group A: What the fuck????????????

He can't help you anymore!!! sniff.


Group A took be my surprise. Yesterday I was still in shock about poor South Africa getting derailed by Uruguay. Uruguay play way to defensively for my taste and won't get too many sympathy fans that way. Still, given their recent World Cup record it is understandable. They just would like to win a game once in a while and now they have achieved just that against the host. The 3:0 score line looks more dominating than the game really was but they did deserve the win. Diego Forlan has been playing absolutely brilliant.

The importance for his team is exemplified by the fact that he takes free kicks and corners even though as a forward his job is to stand in front of the goal and complain to the referee.I kid you forwards. I was one myself but to be honest we're a lazy bunch. Just walk around next to the central defender, talk some shit about his mom and how fucking ugly his cleats are and when we get the ball guard it till wingers come forward, pass it to them, run in the box and hold your foot or your head out. Essentially.)

He has a great vision and shows an intelligence on the pitch that some with even more talent lack (I'm thinking Fruuuuhnk Ribery - but more to that later). More than once I found myself mesmerized by his piercing blue eyes and perturbing jaw bones. If I was Bella I would have chosen him over Edward a long time ago. (Wait is this not the Twilight fan fiction blog?)


Diego Forlan - Vampire of Uruguayan girl hearts sucks the air out of South African vuvuzelas

Enough with such flamboyant man-crushery. I'm very sorry South Africa. I wish your team had done better but you should be proud. The draw with Mexico was absolutely unexpected and a great achievement. I wish you had gotten an easier group like USA (Slovenia? pff and what's that other team Ingeland?) Either way I hope you whoop France's ass in your last game and go out with a bang.

Now to France. So France just lost 2:0 to Mexico and they absolutely deserved it. I had been rooting for France until about the 60th minute. I've been a fan of French football since Zinedine Zidane stepped on the world stage. I remember when France gave Brazil an ass-whooping so intense that one just felt baaaaad for them. Zidane is the greatest playmaker of all time in my opinion and so this World Cup has been a transitionary period for me. I just can't fathom how this equipe has taken Zidane's legacy and wiped their backsides with it. There's Frank Ribery. The hugely talented WINGER how today was used as a PLAYMAKER which did not go so well because he has this thing called TUNNELVISION. My blog entry about France's glorious goalless draw against Uruguay could essentially be pasted in here. I think I deserve some sort of pundit prize because I analyzed the situation so well. Here's what I wrote:

What France needs is a vision. What they have instead is a midfield of highly gifted players that seem to have no idea what the hell they're supposed to do out there exactly. Ribery, arguably one of the top 5 wingers in the world, more than once decided to dribble himself into oblivion. He may beat two or three defenders but number four usually denied him his glory

They absolutely learned NOTHING from the clever things I wrote. Raymond Domenech should read my blog, but he rather asks the horoscope for tactical consultation (I'm completely fucking serious). Here's the moment I stopped rooting for France. Ribery got the ball in front of the Mexican defensive line, Anelka moved beautifully into space waiting for a pass that would slice the Mexican defense like butter. Turns it IT WASN"T FUCKING BUTTER. I can't believe it. Instead he decided to dribble to the left. He got fouled. France gets a free kick. Ribery hammers it into the wall. Three Mexicans on the counterattack. Toulalan has to foul so that they won't score. He gets a yellow. Toulalan got a yellow because Ribery wouldn't pass. In that moment I said: That's it. I'm rooting for Mexico. You guys don't deserve to mow Zidane's lawn. The Mexicans on the other hand... Because they played so well!!!! Is what I mean...

It looks like Mexico and Uruguay will advance. The game between them will very exciting because they both need to win in order to avoid playing Argentina in the round of Last 16. In other, news I'm off now to put 10 bucks on South Africa 2 : France 0

Apologies? Honduras 0 - Chile 1 Spain loses to the Neutral guys

I have to apologize that I've been slacking with updates recently. But there's a really good reason: Laundry. Well I have to do laundry. But I have a day-job that is warped around the three soccer games a day. So that mean that If I want to work eight ours a day I have be at work at 6:30am and watch games and work and watch games till 8pm or so. Point in case I find it really hard to do laundry. It is certainly feasible but after I get home I have to do the game write ups (Which I obviously never do at work.) and then I am what's that word? Tired. After such a day all I feel like doing is taking a hot shower and sitting in a chair staring at a wall, while drowning my sorrows in beer. (It's amazing what patterns emerge if you stare long enough)

To soccer now. I have to wrap this up a bit. Chile beat Honduras 1:0. Chile is a great team. Look out for Matías Fernández he's a great player.

But Switzerland beat Spain 1:0. Yes you know this already. The dudes that run with bulls got defeated by the people that ring cowbells. Shortly after Iker Casillas conceded the goal that can be argued to be a goalkeeping blunder rumors spread out in tabloids that Casillas made the mistake because his super-smoking hot TV presenter girlfriend hung out around the goal.



Well that sucks Spain. I don't think it's true but it sure would be funny. If they come second in their group they will mess up my bracket and I will hate them. Then again I won't be rooting for my bracket since I have Germany losing to Argentina in the quarterfinals. In case Germany does lose it would least mean some dineros for me.

Don't write off Spain just yet. Yes they have a tendency of choking in this competition but in terms of player material they're No.1 in the world. Alas right now chocolate and pocket knifes seem to rule the world.

A Treatise On The Art Of Diving

It is an elaborate dance that only the most filigreed amongst professional athletes ever perfection-ate. They train for hours and hours a day, days and days a week, until one day their big moment arrives. They jump and in an instant time moves; almost backwards. But there is no going backwards. They have arrived in the now. A strong force around a tiny center, ever so slowly turns, until the impact, in perfect synchrony, occurs.


Man I love synchronized diving.

What? Why? What were you guys thinking about? Oh that kind of diving?



That image actually does not depict a real dive. Instead it shows Juergen Klinsmann's famed goal celebration during his Tottenham days, London's most Jewish football club (I wasn't saying anything with that!) He had a reputation for diving amongst the English fans and so he decided that taking ownership of that reputation was the best way to eliminate it and turned the dive into his goal celebtation, kinda like C. Ronaldo checks his hair gel fit after every goal (I'm kidding!)

Either way diving is a complicated subject. People that dislike soccer will first and foremost cite the elaborate acting that goes on on a soccer pitch, or simulation as the FIFA calls it, as reasons to why "soccer sucks". I have to admit diving is A) Fucking annoying and B) unfair and C) as antisocial as murdering a kitten and posting pics of it on myspace (shit that really happened didn't it?).

However it does not invalidate soccer as a whole. Dismissing soccer entirely because of diving problems would be like abolishing social security because a few people abuse it. And now I find out that some people actually propose that. I hate this world. Either way many people love soccer dearly and It takes a certain narrow mindedness to think something is terrible sport just because one does not understand it. Sure I may not find cricket the most appealing sport in the world but the fact that millions and millions of people on this earth follow it feverishly shows me that there must be something very appealing about it. (Even though I really have no fucking clue what it is)

Okay enough with that debate club crap. Let's talk diving bitchez. Some players dive. Some don't. If a player does dive I will yell at him and at every fan that defends him. I will not insult his mother or his sister however his hair, testicles, personality, accent, country of origin and anything else he may care about are all fair game. British people will have to endure comments about their teeth and the French about the Maginot line - "Let's build the greatest defensive military structure in history just so one can go around it. You guys are retards!" My point is that soccer is supposed to bring the world together. Today we saw the North Koreans play against Brazil. I could probably not think of two sub groups of humanity that are culturally further apart. And yet still they were civil. They were respectful. They fought hard, but they fought fair. Once you start cheating you create mistrust and hatred and English hooligans with even less teeth than they had before the World Cup.

P.S. If you're ever at a World Cup game. Save a tree, pee in a Bud-light. Nobody will ever tell the difference.

Group G: Brazil 2 : People's Republic of Korea 1

At this point I could recycle a joke about how the North Koreans played well because they would be sent to labor camps otherwise etc etc. It's not realistic but really it's just not that funny. I had completely different feelings watching the match between Brazil and North Korea. When the North Korean national anthem started playing the North Korean forward broke down crying and though I may not know why, be it a custom for him, be it the honor of representing his nation, be it the opportunity to play there in front of millions of people on the biggest stage for his trade, but what I did understand was that I really didn't understand anything. I couldn't possibly understand how it must feel growing up in a state where one is taught from day out and day in that the rest of the world is out to destroy you. And if we're being honest for a moment that's entirely true. And now imagine that one day you got to represent this country which you grew up loving (because you grew up there you can't help it you have no outside perspective) and you get to play against all those other bigger nations in your eyes just sharpening their teeth to finally consume you.

Whatever one may feel about the cruel and bizarre regime that North Korea has maintained for so long, this is a country of people with real emotions and fears and happiness and not just a place of evil soldiers and horn-rimmed caricatures riding around on atomic warheads. And if all it takes for one to realize is that is the fact that eleven sympathetic young men went out there and played a game against the mightiest soccer nation on earth then so be it. I was surprised how cordial the opposing players to each other were, always shaking hands and helping each other up. They may have been specially instructed by their FA but I like to think it was just common decency, a decency that many Western players lack with their dives and their complaining and threats whenever the referee can't hear.

Every soccer player in the World Cup grew up wishing that one day he could play in that tournament. The honor to be one of just eleven out of millions and millions that gets to put on the jersey is immense, so is the pressure. The pressure can suffocate young minds. Freddy Adu's career came to a halt before it began (so he is still young and I hope all the best for him) Sebastian Deisler was one of the greatest talents that Germany ever brought forward but the pressure and a long fight with depression finally brought him to the point where he packed his cleats away forever.

In the end Brazilian brilliance prevailed. Maicon scored what was arguably the greatest and most improbable goal of this world Cup so far. It was completely intentional, he used his right foot, a cross would have been made with his left foot.



But, North Korea never gave up and ultimately they scored and that alone for a team that no one knew from a country that nobody knows anything about except cartoonish horror pictures that is remarkable.

If you're interested about North Korea more in depth I recommend you watch these two documentaries. They are the only uncensored documentaries from the inside of today's North Korea. One is about the Korean national soccer team that beat Italy 1:0 at the 1966 World Cup and went up 3:0 against Eusebio's Portugal before ultimately losing. The other is the portrait of two girls, living in Pyongyang, that are preparing for the mass games that North Korea are so famous for.

Group G: Côte d'Ivoire 0 : Portugal 0

The elephants as Ivory Coast's national soccer team are called had the unluckiest draw in the entire World Cup. Brazil, thanks to Dunga's (the coach) overhaul now more dangerous than ever and of course Portugal with one of the two best players in the world (C.Ronaldo) and as it turns out also a North Korean side that is much better than excepted and won't be giving out three points for three. The reason why this is so sad is, because everyone hoped for an African World Cup winner this year and it seemed possible with the tournament on African soil. Ivory Coast was generally considered to be the strongest African team at this tournament.

Then Didier Drogba the best player of the best African squad broke his arm. It was disastrous for African fans. Drogba was the third African main man to be ruled out by injury, after John Obi Mikel for Nigeria and Michael Essien for Ghana. Coincidentally they were all Chelsea players.

Portugal and Ivory Coast clashed today in the group of death that also includes Brazil and North Korea and they reluctant to risk much. The opening group games are really more about not losing than about winning and that's also a reason why this tournament will just get more and more and more exciting as it goes on. Drogba came actually on the pitch after 60 minutes and he had one great but hard chance. Ronaldo had a few very good opportunities to score, including a post rattling shot but in the end they both failed to win.

It's far from decided who advances in this group.

Group F: New Zealand 1 : Slovakia 1

I really don't have much to say about this. Slovakia deserved the win. They were the better team. They didn't get it. Still seeing how happy New Zealand was about their first World Cup point made one feel all fuzzy inside. This group is gonna be a tough one. Italy probably going to go through with Pirlo returning which means one spot is left for Slovakia, Paraguay and New Zealand. Right now Paraguay seems like the most likely candidate, since they tied Italy, but you never know Slovakia's side should not be underestimated Marek Hamsik is a very very strong player and used to the Serie A. This one's wide open. Even New Zealand has a shot.


What sport is this again?

Group F: Italy 1 : Uruguay 1

It is hard for me to remain objective about this match-up as the Italian soccer team consists of goat-licking, deep-see diving amateur players and professional narcissists.

I mean just look them. It would be easier to make a vacuum cleaner pass the Turing test than figure out who has least the amount of an hard-on for himself amongst them.

You might think Mauro Camoranesi with his ponytail because he's not looking into the camera but that's misleading. He's actually mesmerized by the way his reflection is caught in a little puddle of water. You might think that I'm biased. Because they dived and kicked out Australia on the resulting penalty at the last World Cup, because they won against Germany in the semifinal in 06 (perhaps the greatest game of that World Cup. Probably tied with Zidane lighting fireworks over Brazil's ass and Portugal and the Netherlands massacring each other), maybe I'm biased because Andrea Pirlos attractiveness is negatively correlated with his ability to make deadly passes and free kicks (Hint: He's really fucking good at soccer). And the answer is yes. I am. If Italy wins again I will make love to the George Washington statue outside of Olin library at WashU and have a good ol' cig after wards. There would be nothing more too lose. My dignity would be crying in a ball of hay in a shed violently taken by a Calabrian farmer's boy.

I think it's important to stress at this point that I absolutely love Italy. Yes as any country they have their problems like


you know your prez banging a bunch of eighteen year olds with a bunch of foreign minister in a Villa. Oh and he also controls the media and AC Milan.

And there's that whole deal where the Italian mafia or camorra controls the trash disposal industry and strikes and all of Napoli drowns in trash.



But there's also good things from Italy. For example what happens when I disable safe search and google "Italian Women". They have a great history. Six fucking years of Latin in high school have taught me the cultural heritage of the Roman Empire quite well. You know those people that conquered the entire Mediterranean, Northern Africa, Egypt, Turkey even those insufferable ancestors of the French but they drew the line with us Germans. Why? Because every time we saw them with their shields and their sandals we just had a deep urge to bash their heads in with some rocks just as now with the Italian soccer team.


Sorry for not mentioning the Paraguayans. They actually played quite well, scored a header goal from a free-kick, thus essentially out-Italianizing the Italians. But the Italians retorted in similar fashion and it was a draw which is sad because it looks like Pirlo is going to be fit again soon. So to play us out I leave you with the most attractive bench player of the tournament.



Uhh, baby let's make a soccer team.

P.S. The amount of naked men in this post was completely intentional.

Group E: Japan 1 : Cameroon 0

Cameroon's national football team are nicknamed The indomitable lions. These days I like to equate their superstar Samuel Eto'o more to a frustrated lion. He is one of the most successful players in club history. Three Champions League titles and various other league trophies did he he collect with FC Barcelona and Inter Milan. He is one of those players that always leave opponents terrified whenever they get the ball to the extent where they draw multiple defenders to them and leave room for others to score. Well the problem is with Cameroon nobody wants to play with him. He may be a World Class striker but on his own he can't win games. Apparently it's really hard to find a picture of a lion without unfunny lolcat speak plastered all over it and impossible to find one without some text. Still I find this one described Eto'o's position against Japan quite well.

Screw you funny internet picture stealing my opportunity to make funny subtitle.


Whenever he did something that was creative or dangerous his teammates realized that they were of much lower quality than him and decided to fuck it up. The worst part is that it's not really his job to build things. He's a deadly striker. He's supposed to score. But because nobody can help him with that he has to do the build up himself too. He's the captain but he's not really the leader. He's just the leader cause he's better than everyone else. The more I think about it the more he reminds me of Dr. House.





Look at Dr. House's eyes. Don't they just express pure frustration and hatred of the world. A figure not unlike Sisyphus, punished by the gods for being better than them. As result he has to suffer all eternity with the mediocrity of the ones surrounding him. Eto'o has the same sad eyes. When you look into them you see the world reflected in all their misery.

Samuel Eto'o preparing for the World Cup with the second most talented Cameroonian player, his son. I wonder why he didn't play. Fire the coach maybe? He's French anyways.


So it's no surprise that Japan won their first World Cup match away from home soil. The Blue Samurai (as they are called) just decided to neuter the lions as their leader was overpowered. Congrats to Japan's talented Keisuke Honda who not only scored Japan's only goal but also looked dashing while he was at it.


Soccer Player Haircut of the Day? I think yes. Go Japanese man who plays in Moscow.

Group E: Netherlands 2 : Denmark 0

I know the Netherlands are supposed to be Germany's main rival in soccer, but I can't help myself: I just like them. I mean just look at them. They're so adorable.



The worst stereotypes about them have to do with produce: Shitty tomatoes, cheap tulips. I mean is that really everything!? You should hear the shit I have to deal with. I remember this one kid who after he found out I was German just had to comment: "German huh? We really whooped your ass in World War II, didn't we?"
We did?!!! I didn't! You look really good for your age man.
By the way it wasn't the Americans that whooped anyone's ass. It was the Soviets. Sheesh.
But back the subject. The dutch or Oranje as their national team called is just so lovely and peaceful just like their country. I mean you'll never see a dutch tank in orange colors.



Okay uhm nevermind that last part. I guess generalizations only tell you so much. To the soccer now. The Netherlands are one of the most exciting sides at this World Cup. Whether it be their conductor Wesley Sneijder, who orchestrated Inter Milans impressive treble win. (serie A, italian cup and champions league) or the amazing dribbler Arsenals Robin van Persie or Rafael Van der Vaart or Arjen Robben or Dirk Kujt or or, or, or. You get the point.

The Dutch' main problem has never been their offense but their defense. Not that it is particularly weak but it doesn't match up to how dominating their attacking players have been in the past. This if of course a result of their playing philosophy. They love to play fast attacking football usually with a 4-3-3 formation. Gio van Brockhorst is already 35 years old and nobody has to run more than the wing backs (he's tooooo old!). Today they defeated Denmark without too many problems but Denmark is an old side that doesn't have the speed of some of the other teams. A match-up with some of the faster sides like Spain or Brazil or (amazingly now too) Germany will certainly put the dutch defense to the test.

The Danish may be an old side but they're also an experienced side and have a great deal of talented (and younger) defensive players. Still I think the lack of more esprit upfront punished the Danish today. Then again admittedly the goal for Danish in this match was nothing more than a draw and in the end the result was unfortunate for them since the Dutch goals were rather lucky (I mean one was an owl goal you can't get luckier than that). The Dutch really never started the offensive firework they promised (It was boring) and I can only hope that when Robben returns from injury they'll pick it up (please Robben play else I will stab myself in the eye ball) Of course with a side as offensively talented as the Dutch you have to assume you're going to conceive a goal.

Group D: Germany 4 : Australia Nozzing!!!!

Should the FIFA institute a mercy rule for the qualifying matches? Proponents of such a rule will have a perfect example to cite in the Germany - Australia matchup. It was an epic spanking for the people from the land down under. The men did blunder.

First of all I have to apologize for writing this up so late. The reason is one very common amongst soccer fans. Whenever your team plays you get absolutely smashed. (I hope that in the future the word smashed will be highlighted and link to a separate post. The world drug deserves a special report in a blog on the world game). Anyways when your national teams plays it's almost, as exciting as losing your virginity. And just as with losing ones virginal state of mind, it can be a great experience or a dreadful one. Germany - Australia was a great one. For me. For about eight seconds yesterday as my brother was hugging me so strongly that I thought he'd broken a rip I thought about the fact that while 80 million Germans were celebrating, however many Australian there are (how the fuck would I know?) were sad. But that was too much of a bummer so I forgot about that.

Sorry for losing Australia. I wish I could say you put up a fight (trust me I really do), but you didn't. You could almost smell the frustration on the pitch. Australian resorted to fouling and one foul got Tim Cahill sent off. Lots of people thought it didn't deserve a red, including the Scottish and British commentators who I think were biased because they have accents strongly resembling the Australians. But Cahill had his legs closed so you can all go suck on my vuvuzela.



Anyways where was I? Oh yeah Germany played really well. No no no. I mean like really well. Not like German well. Not like we play okay and then win. No we play amazingly well and then we like really really win. Like winner of the hearts too and stuff. The lone forward and the two wingers got to score, then Jogi Löw (the German coach) brought on two more forwards and a winger, which led me to shout out "Hey, everybody gets so score. Even Gomez." My brother thought it was necessary to add "It's like a gangbang." That made us giggle till about four hours later and even now sometimes I still tilt my head to the side and dreamingly revere that one time we made that really funny collective joke about the Australian national team.

A lot of comments were made along the lines of "well in rugby we would have won" My question is: What is rugby. Jokes aside, I deeply respect rugby and I love watching it, but nobody except those countries that used to be English colonies and the French, for some reason, play it (The more you think about that, the less sense it makes). My guess is it has to do something with the French contrarianism. I imagine one day probably during a break at the Geneva conventions a French diplomat picked up a rugby ball and the English enemies shouted "you can't play with that that's an English sport, we don't play your wanker sports." His British mates then proceeded to slap his shoulders but the Frenchman thought to himself "Yoo can't tell what to du. Wee are the French we don't listen to orders. We'll start playing this very British sport to spite you"

Either way, what makes me so happy today is that while the Germans always do well in the Word Cup when we also play well we usually win it all. I'm still worried how our 10 feet tall central defense is gonna do against small, quick players like Messi or Silva (Can't we institute a rule like: You must be this tall to play. That would help a lot thanks.

Germany is a young and exciting side. Three of the players won the under 21 European Championships last year, two players were even too young for that side. Mesut Oezil (fucking umlauts how do they work) is fast and his passes are deadly and precise like an American smart bomb, he dribbles as if he were Brazilian and Werder Bremen will have to work hard this summer. It seems Arsenal want him to replace Fabregas who'll most likely join Barcelona. Thomas Mueller only 20 years old was magnificent on his side, smoking his Australian opponents and getting on the score sheet in the process. Podolski's terrifying shot technique came to show and even Klose who was in terrible form before the World Cup got in his specialty header. Cacau (from VFB Stuttgart my team yay) came on and scored with his first touch. As Loew realized that this Australia match could be used as a confidence builder he brought on another shitty striker Mario Gomez (he's talented but in terrible form) and we all felt he deserved a goal as well.

If you excuse me I have to go back to celebrating with these young ladies.

Soccer Player Haircut of the Day

Today's winner is Algeria's goalkeeper Faouzi Chaouchi. Every time a player's haircut makes their head resemble a spaghetti press it's an automatic 10 points from the jury. Look out for him at the Algeria - USA game, because it's impossible to find a higher resolution image. It's a conspiracy.



How uncanny!

Group D: Serbia 0 : Ghana 1

After being bored to death by Slovenia and Algeria and then overdosing on caffeine I found myself ready for Serbia - Ghana. The first question I have is: Why do the Serbian players all have to look so damn Serbian?

"I'm a world class defender and my facial bone structure is so damn slavic. Be afraid."

Growing up in Germany one finds oneself confronted with many Serbian stereotypes: They're aggressive, they love to foul whatever the sport, they'll pull a knife on you, etc, etc. Well watching this game did not exactly help dissociate the men from myth. Serbia played many hidden fouls that the referee did not pick up on. Especially Prince Tagoe who seemed to go down to easily at first but then somewhat turned into "The Soccer Player who cried foul". To furthermore advance Serbia's villain status the commentator announced that Milan Jovanovic's nickname was "The Serbian Snake" supposedly because of his dribbling skills. My brother commented, jokingly, that he thought Jovanovic probably got that nickname not on the filed but in the locker room. Either way I think he could not have found a nickname reinforcing my stereotypes more strongly.

I also have to admit that I underestimated the number of cheap haircut related jokes I would be able to make over the course of this blog. I'm thinking maybe I'll start a new thing called "Soccer Player Hair Cut of the Day"

Either way Ghana played more offensively than Serbia but did not manage to break through the well organized Serbian defense. Then a Serbian player got sent off and, ironically, it was Serbia that seemed more dangerous for a few minutes. Ghana's goalkeeper Richard Kingson made a crucial safe. Then Kuzmanovic (who plays for my hometown club VFB Stuttgart. sniff sniff) had a very obvious handball. Asamoah Gyan scored the resulting penalty leading to the first soccer related on-pitch African dancing, since the day before. In the end I think it was a fair result but it I'm a bit scared because Ghana is a offensively well-oriented team and Serbia's defense a wall of fire that might burn some of the more light-weight German attacking players.

Group C: Algeria 0 : Slovenia 1

Slovenia and Algeria were pretty even the whole time and then the Algerian substitute got sent off (Because he had been a very naughty boy) and Slovenia used the opportunity to score. Now a country with two million inhabitants is in front of USA and England, who together combine for what like 360-370 million people. I love the world cup. Radosavljevic, Peknic, Novakovic, Jokic, Ljubijankic, Handanovic were all in the starting line-up for Slovenia. Somehow I always had this sudden urge to itch myself whenever I saw a Slovenian player (Not because they're dirty. They're in central Europe god-dammit. Those people are clean). Other than the names nothing much interesting happened and I think USA and England should be able to both advance. In case one of them decides to blunder however (Let's say I dunno a goalkeeping mistake), I would also accept Slovenia to advance to that Germany faces them in the octo-final (It's like the Octomom but more drama).

You will have to procreate with this woman if the US don't advance.

Next up are the Serbians (who also have a lot of -ic players) against the sympathetic Ghanian side without its superstar Essien.

Goddamn it I can't believe I sacrificed my REM sleep to watch this game.

ESPN.... Sigh...

ESPN, why do you exist?


Before I begin a quick announcement. Come back tomorrow to read my complete write up from the Algeria - Slovenia game. I will get up at 6am central time (in 4 hours) to watch these two giants of the soccer world battle it out. Some people that are not American will find this funny because they know it's not true. Others that are American will confuse Slovenia with Slovakia. Don't do it. It aggravates the Slovenians greatly ("We're in central Europe not eastern Europe dammit!").

I have to admit sometimes the universe makes my job a bit easier. You'd think it would be harder to find material on a sport than say the humanitarian crisis in the Congo or an accurate assessment on the complicated ethical issues that surround a burka ban in Europe. Instead we get this little gem. A very elaborate discussion on ESPN.com about the age old question whether athletes should have sex or not before or during an important tournament, such as the World Cup.

Now in itself that's a very legitimate issue to discuss. For years coaches have preached abstinence to their players but no one could ever deliver a reasonable explanation why that would be better athletically speaking.

So the humor in this piece is not derived from its content but the fact that the article was written by someone who obviously had a bet going for how many different soccer related puns for "sex" he can come up with. There's the magnificent headline "Can athletes 'score' during World Cup?" There's the always-a-classic "wrinkle the bed-sheets".

Of course the typical American response to the problem if denying the fact that people have such things as external sexual organs, or as US coach Bradley put it more eloquently:

"Many of the players' wives and girlfriends will be coming to South Africa. U.S. soccer has done a great job with a Family and Friends program. We look forward to having some opportunities to get together with our families and friends but fit that in with the work that we continue to focus on."

President of the Brazilian soccer association Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva tackles the issue more directly and says Argentina will lose against Brazil because their coach Maradona lets them hump around like savages (in my own words).



Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva smiling slyly, because he gets to talk about dirty stuff in front of journalists while simultaneously holding a giant inflated testicular symbol.



My favorite contributor to the article that pinnacle of sportswriting is the guy who wrote a book on the issue, Dr. Tommy Boone (Yeah I promise I'm not shitting you.). I can just imagine the ESPN writer googling "sex before athletic competition" and then finding a book that is exactly about that. How happy the writer must have been. Either way Dr. Tommy Boone finds this issue very serious.

"Even if a person was hung by whips and chains from the ceiling, the total amount of energy consumed is not enough to produce a significant cardiovascular effect," he says. "[Silva, the president of the Brazilian football association] is just continuing to perpetuate the propaganda that has been passed around for decades. And there's nothing but anecdotal evidence to support it." Right on Dr. Boone. Fight the good fight. If you're done with it maybe we can talk about Burkas or the ongoing war in the Congo.

America: A word please

I'm really happy that the US is doing well in the World Cup so far and I know that soccer will become more and more popular in the US and I think that's great but I have one issue. Before I tell you about that however let me cheaply manipulate your sensibilities.



Amerika: Ficken Ja.


Well the issue is: Please don't turn the game in some generic family friendly crap. I know you think sports can only exist when it has seventeen commercial/pee breaks, takes four hours and you can take your three-year old to the game. Well soccer is a bit different. It may seem vile that Liverpool fans chant "He's a cunt, he's a scouse, he'll rob your fucking house. Wayne Rooney" when they play Manchester United, but that's simply part of the game. How are the radical supporters gonna feel when they can't critically injure enemy fans anymore? How does one enjoy a World Cup where you can't throw around bar chairs on some historic plaza. If you must know hatred of enemy teams is drilled into a soccer fans head at a very young age. It's like a religion, irrational and arbitrary but fucking awesome if you're part of it.


We start off early. Especially the dutch fan-tjens.

So just sit back and enjoy the enthusiastic and inexplicable violence.

About cheerleaders we can talk. I've been trying to get those into professional soccer for years.

Group C: England 1 : USA 1

First of all: Congrats USA! Second of all: Suck it England!

A game lasts 90 minutes and in the end the English goalkeeper makes a mistake. Yeah Linaker said something else, something about Germany always winning in the end. But if you think about it the reason why Germany wins so often in World Cups is because we don't have goaltenders that occupy that position simply because they always got picked last during pick-up in elementary school. I can't remember the last time England had a world class goalkeeper and today that lack was extremely visible as Green decided to make the game more interesting. Meanwhile, on the other side of the pitch Tim Howard was taking names and hiding the extra pair of testicles he keeps inside his gloves.



"Yes I'm American and I play soccer really well. I can't believe it either"

But let's not reduce this game to one goalkeeping error. There was also Steven Cherundolo (playing in the Bundesliga for Hannover 96 by the way. Just saying.), who just decided that he did not give a fuck how many girls had his direct opponents poster above their bad and just denied player after player the opportunity to be denied a goal by Tim Howard.

England played well at first but then stopped doing that leaving me terrified that with an Italian coach (who's suit fit much better than Maradona's incidentally) they might do what Italy did in 06. I.e. play boring and win the whole thing. They certainly have the talent to pull it off. Whenever, Wayne Rooney had the ball it left me terrified and rightfully so. The USA sometimes seemed suicidal when confronting him and I'm glad they didn't try to out-Rooney Rooney too much. I don't know why the US kept attacking with ten minutes left and 1:1. Maybe it has to do with the American mentality that wins are everything. But let me tell you dear friends: A win is not everything. A draw against England is just fine. Hell, it's what my home country (Germany) hopes to do if they meet them in the octo- or quarterfinals. Draw, so that we can then beat them in penalty kicks.

Group B: Argentina 1 : Nigeria 0

Many people think that Diego Maradona is insane and I think that is probably a very accurate evaluation of his mental state. The fact that he promised to streak through Argentina's streak if his squad wins the World Cup () or the fact that he tried out dozens of players during qualifying and then left Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti, who had just won the Champions League with Inter Milan at home (no biggie) all provide evidence that Maradona is a bit cookoo. To all the doubters out there I present exhibit A, his suit at todays match against Nigeria.



I don't know what was funnier, the fact that he decided to wear matching outfits with his two assistants or that the outfit made him look like a Columbian coke distributor. Now to the serious part.

I don't know why Gutierrez played as right back. He's a winger and like most proper wingers he can't defend much better than John Terry's grandmother. It would be easy assume that because right wingers and right backs are both oriented laterally and run in the same general direction they can switch positions interchangeable. But that's not true. Dani Alves can maybe play as a winger but he's the best right back in the world (with Maicon. Why are they both Brazilian. Life is not fair) so why would you wanna put him in any other positions. Yes today it worked but once Argentina faces a team that's on eye level with them in terms of talent they should probably over-think that whole Gutierrez pretending to be a defender thing.




Too bad he can't use that tentacle hair to grab the ball from attackers.


After giving one of the greatest players of all time shit I have to give him credit too (Not that he cares what I think. That makes him so awesome. Then again he doesn't care what anybody thinks. That's what makes him crazy) . Today Argentina dominated. They found a way to put Tevez and Messi and Higuain in the same line-up and left Diego Milito (the guy who sank Bayern Munich in the Champions League final) on the bench. Messi took a lot of human growth hormone when he was younger because he was only like a foot tall or something and now he is superhuman. The ball seems to be glued to his foot and he only lets its from his foot to send the ball to his favorite place: the goal. In that respect we have to give mad respect to the Nigerian goalkeeper Enyeama who denied Messi glory multiple times. According to Wikipedia he plays for Hapoel Tel Aviv F.C. but I don't think for much longer.

Nigeria's players were much faster than the Argentinian defense and if they had been less tame and stepped on some toes they could have stolen a point today. I went through the effort to devise a strategy how to beat Argentina. It's pretty simple: Just quintuple-team Messi and then have two midfielders just haul passes down the line (preferably Gutierrez' side) to some really really fast and young wingers they flank into the box where a forward just tests that Goalkeeper till he makes a mistake. Or just score more goals than them. Because with Messi they're pretty much guaranteed to score.

Nigeria presented themselves well today and I am dying to know who will advance from this group. My prediction is that South Korea will lose against Argentina which means that South Korea and Nigeria will have a death-match before the knockout round.

Group B: South Korea 2 : Greece 0

This game was pretty simple. South Korea was better. In every single aspect. Tactically and technically they dominated Greece in a manner that made me almost feel bad for them. My brother joked that we should kick Greece out of the European Union and get South Korea to join instead, since they're better in soccer and their economy also doesn't have to be bailed out. Putting bad jokes that tie soccer to geopolitical and economical events aside: Man what the fuck Greece? Cradle of European civilization. Your players were tired and always a bit too late as in the 15th minute when you luckily avoided a penalty. The way Greece looks right now it won't make a single point in this group, leaving Nigeria and and South Korea to battle for second place. If South Korea doesn't grab points against Argentina that is.

And that South Korea would put up a fight against Argentina doesn't seem all so unlikely anymore. They combine well, are incredibly fast, turn goal scoring opportunities into actual goals. They never really seemed nervous against Greece, always staying in control and having quick solutions at hand whenever they did get into trouble. I was really pleasantly surprised by their display and right now it seems that South Korea is the strongest team in this competition from the Asian continent. Ever since they had the World Cup in their own country and did incredibly well their international soccer has undergone a rapid revolution. Most of the South Korean national team players play in Europe and Ji-Sung Park has turned into a fan favorite at Manchester United. Nigeria meet on the game of the group stages and I have a feeling that I may be a game of high dramaturgy.

Rant on Thierry Henry

Yes I know he scored a handball against Ireland and that cost them the World Cup and that was bullshit and I'm starting to think that Ireland would be doing a better job in this group than France right now but please give that man a break. He's now appeared in FOUR freaking World Cup's for fucks sake. He's Arsenal's all time leading scorer, a "prolific striker" (That's from Wikipedia. They never get excited about anything!) Five years ago he was the greatest striker in the world. Now he's 32 and yeah that makes him a bit slower but please give the man a break. That handball against Ireland was awful. But ye amongst you who are without a record of cheating in an international soccer game costing another team a ticket to the World Cup cast the first stone. Okay nevermind that last part.

Group A: France 0 : Uruguay 0

France have done it again. They managed to turn their large assortment of vastly talented and technically superior superstars into a boring and uncreative non-team. Yes, that was what many expected from the qualifying, but just as many hoped that they would pull it together, that these players would realize that this may well be the biggest moment of their career and to put individual differences aside to achieve a common goal. It is also true however, that France has had a tendency in the past to play together more effectively or "to gain momentum" as pundits will call it a another million times until they receive enough death threats from annoyed fans pleading with them to stop saying that sentence before someone sends Zakumi the leopard World Cup mascot into football-kitty-heaven.

Just as an aside, in the sports world certain phrases like "gain momentum" have a tendency to gain momentum and like a snowball get used by more and people until they lose all meaning. Yes it described the situation fairly well the first time someone came up with it but the first guy who copied it got the ball rolling on a crime against my viewer sensibilities. I need a bad-analogy break.

What France needs is a vision. What they have instead is a midfield of highly gifted players that seem to have no idea what the hell they're supposed to do out there exactly. Ribery, arguably one of the top 5 wingers in the world, more than once decided to dribble himself into oblivion. He may beat two or three defenders but number four usually denied him his glory. Toulalan and Abu Diaby are central midfielders that are neither holding midfielders, nor destroyers, nor play-makers. Thus they don't really serve a role at all. They both tried to justify their presence on turf at multiple times, Toulalan with harmless long-shots and Abo Diaby with skill full power-rushes that ended nowhere. I kept trying to remember the France line up because in my head there were only ten players on the field until I figured out that Govou was also playing. The midfielders and the lone forward Anelka seemed like isolated islands, as artistically as autistic-ally, trying to force the ball into the net without being much aware of their surroundings. The most dangerous they seemed when the right backs Sagna and Evra came forward and provided crossings into the box. You can't blame Anelka really, his job was to get the ball and put it into the net but big target men need to be fed with balls. He starved. Thus, twice he decided to get the ball himself. Once that resulted in him being outside the box with no one there to score and once it meant that he was offside. If he had let the ball through Govou would have gotten it and probably scored.

Still France, has so much talent if they just get their shit together and assume a tactical position that makes any sense whatsoever they can still make a big impact in this tournament maybe even win it all.

Now to Uruguay. Uruguay may have just emerged as the secret favorite to win this group. Admittedly their style of playing is defensive and destructive but their defense stands like a rock and and Diego Forlan is exactly the kind of world class forward that only needs one chance to score against the rocky defense of South Africa and a Mexican team that seems troubled with counterattacks from the wings. They played for their standards fairly fair however and only one time tried to break an opposing players leg for which the offender rightfully got ejected. I don't want to be held to those predictions however because this game is complicate! OK?! So Uruguay doesn't advance don't come to me being all complainy about how I don't know what I'm talking about. I just give the analysis. I have no idea what happens. Maybe Forlan gets injured tomorrow because he drops a shampoo bottle on his toe (yeah that's happened before. poor Canizares)

Still, I am especially excited for the Mexico - Uruguay match up because Mexico has one of the most innovative offenses in this World Cup and I want to see how their do against the well-organized Uruguay defense.

Group A: South Africa 1 - Mexico 1

I completely forgot how big the home team advantage is at World Cups. With thousands of fans blowing in their vuvuzuelas, it sounds like the games were being played in a gigantic bee-hive instead of a soccer stadium.

South-Africa played well and deserved the point but they have trouble defensively especially at set pieces and Mexico's goal could have been avoided with a working offside trap. Mexico on the other hand often confused South Africa with the fact that their tactical line up is not very rigid. South Africa players were not always sure whom they had to defend against and it seems that a more strict zone defense would be most effective in shutting Mexico down. Because of their three men defense, Mexico are also weak against quick counterattacks over the wings, which is exactly how Tshabalala, who's goal superseded his name in awesomeness today, scored. The reason is that Marquez, the FC Barcelona player, who is arguably the best defender on Mexico's team, functions as a libero who advances during attacks and thus sometimes has trouble getting back in time. On the other hand that attacking role adds to Mexico's goal-scoring danger. Incidentally it was Marquez, who equalized, justifying the risk.

Both teams lack a more deadly striker upfront however and it seems they both made the least of their chances today. I'm a bit worried how they'll do against Uruguay and France, who have much more talent in the forward position and could easily punish defensive exploits.

Why do I love soccer so much?

Why do I love soccer so much? Nothing about this sport makes any sense. Lets suppose I placed an object in front of you and told you to move it from A to B. What part of your body would you use? Probably your hands. Well, soccer's most elementary rule is "Don't use your hands". The objective of soccer is to move a ball, with any body part except the one that makes sense, over a gargantuan field and into a small goal. Meanwhile 11 other players try to stop you and the last player gets to use his hands! That's reason one number one why billions of people go bat-shit crazy over this game. It's impossible. It's like watching a grizzly bear juggling three kittens on a unicycle. From the Roman's colosseums, over circuses up to our Youtube-equivalents: Humans love watching stuff that's not supposed to happen. And here is where the magic comes in. It does happen. Goals are scored, and every single time it's reason for celebration. That's why Spanish commentators scream "gol" until your ear drums jump out. It's just that damn exciting. The emotional investment is immense.

The reason it is so immense has to do with how easily playable it is. Any other sport needs equipment of some sort. Soccer doesn't. You don't have a goal? Try a wall or two trees. You don't have a ball? Try an empty coke can.

Try thinking about something that you put great importance in. Maybe the feeling right before you got back a test in school or how your heart jumped when you saw the person you secretly loved on the street, any kind of situation that offers great reward and great punishment. Now imagine 80 million people had exactly the same emotion in exactly the same moment. Imagine 80 million children, mothers, fathers and grandparents all fell in love with the same person and they all saw her in exactly the same moment and they all exactly experienced the same emotions. Well that's the World Cup for most of the world. When a team scores it's not just you that's excited it's an entire nation that jumps and screams and yells and laughs. The effect is amplified. For no other event on earth does humanity celebrate it's successes so collectively.

If you're in a city in Europe or South America right now you will soon know what the World Cup means. When their team wins you might as well assume there was a revolution going on. There is nothing more exhilarating than feeling the ground beneath your feet vibrate from the sheer mass of people rejoicing. In a way the World Cup is the most healthy outlet for nationalism imaginable.

So if your country isn't qualified, pick a team and become emotionally invested. That's how you'll experience what the rest of the world experiences.