A Treatise On The Art Of Diving

It is an elaborate dance that only the most filigreed amongst professional athletes ever perfection-ate. They train for hours and hours a day, days and days a week, until one day their big moment arrives. They jump and in an instant time moves; almost backwards. But there is no going backwards. They have arrived in the now. A strong force around a tiny center, ever so slowly turns, until the impact, in perfect synchrony, occurs.


Man I love synchronized diving.

What? Why? What were you guys thinking about? Oh that kind of diving?



That image actually does not depict a real dive. Instead it shows Juergen Klinsmann's famed goal celebration during his Tottenham days, London's most Jewish football club (I wasn't saying anything with that!) He had a reputation for diving amongst the English fans and so he decided that taking ownership of that reputation was the best way to eliminate it and turned the dive into his goal celebtation, kinda like C. Ronaldo checks his hair gel fit after every goal (I'm kidding!)

Either way diving is a complicated subject. People that dislike soccer will first and foremost cite the elaborate acting that goes on on a soccer pitch, or simulation as the FIFA calls it, as reasons to why "soccer sucks". I have to admit diving is A) Fucking annoying and B) unfair and C) as antisocial as murdering a kitten and posting pics of it on myspace (shit that really happened didn't it?).

However it does not invalidate soccer as a whole. Dismissing soccer entirely because of diving problems would be like abolishing social security because a few people abuse it. And now I find out that some people actually propose that. I hate this world. Either way many people love soccer dearly and It takes a certain narrow mindedness to think something is terrible sport just because one does not understand it. Sure I may not find cricket the most appealing sport in the world but the fact that millions and millions of people on this earth follow it feverishly shows me that there must be something very appealing about it. (Even though I really have no fucking clue what it is)

Okay enough with that debate club crap. Let's talk diving bitchez. Some players dive. Some don't. If a player does dive I will yell at him and at every fan that defends him. I will not insult his mother or his sister however his hair, testicles, personality, accent, country of origin and anything else he may care about are all fair game. British people will have to endure comments about their teeth and the French about the Maginot line - "Let's build the greatest defensive military structure in history just so one can go around it. You guys are retards!" My point is that soccer is supposed to bring the world together. Today we saw the North Koreans play against Brazil. I could probably not think of two sub groups of humanity that are culturally further apart. And yet still they were civil. They were respectful. They fought hard, but they fought fair. Once you start cheating you create mistrust and hatred and English hooligans with even less teeth than they had before the World Cup.

P.S. If you're ever at a World Cup game. Save a tree, pee in a Bud-light. Nobody will ever tell the difference.