ESPN.... Sigh...

ESPN, why do you exist?


Before I begin a quick announcement. Come back tomorrow to read my complete write up from the Algeria - Slovenia game. I will get up at 6am central time (in 4 hours) to watch these two giants of the soccer world battle it out. Some people that are not American will find this funny because they know it's not true. Others that are American will confuse Slovenia with Slovakia. Don't do it. It aggravates the Slovenians greatly ("We're in central Europe not eastern Europe dammit!").

I have to admit sometimes the universe makes my job a bit easier. You'd think it would be harder to find material on a sport than say the humanitarian crisis in the Congo or an accurate assessment on the complicated ethical issues that surround a burka ban in Europe. Instead we get this little gem. A very elaborate discussion on ESPN.com about the age old question whether athletes should have sex or not before or during an important tournament, such as the World Cup.

Now in itself that's a very legitimate issue to discuss. For years coaches have preached abstinence to their players but no one could ever deliver a reasonable explanation why that would be better athletically speaking.

So the humor in this piece is not derived from its content but the fact that the article was written by someone who obviously had a bet going for how many different soccer related puns for "sex" he can come up with. There's the magnificent headline "Can athletes 'score' during World Cup?" There's the always-a-classic "wrinkle the bed-sheets".

Of course the typical American response to the problem if denying the fact that people have such things as external sexual organs, or as US coach Bradley put it more eloquently:

"Many of the players' wives and girlfriends will be coming to South Africa. U.S. soccer has done a great job with a Family and Friends program. We look forward to having some opportunities to get together with our families and friends but fit that in with the work that we continue to focus on."

President of the Brazilian soccer association Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva tackles the issue more directly and says Argentina will lose against Brazil because their coach Maradona lets them hump around like savages (in my own words).



Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva smiling slyly, because he gets to talk about dirty stuff in front of journalists while simultaneously holding a giant inflated testicular symbol.



My favorite contributor to the article that pinnacle of sportswriting is the guy who wrote a book on the issue, Dr. Tommy Boone (Yeah I promise I'm not shitting you.). I can just imagine the ESPN writer googling "sex before athletic competition" and then finding a book that is exactly about that. How happy the writer must have been. Either way Dr. Tommy Boone finds this issue very serious.

"Even if a person was hung by whips and chains from the ceiling, the total amount of energy consumed is not enough to produce a significant cardiovascular effect," he says. "[Silva, the president of the Brazilian football association] is just continuing to perpetuate the propaganda that has been passed around for decades. And there's nothing but anecdotal evidence to support it." Right on Dr. Boone. Fight the good fight. If you're done with it maybe we can talk about Burkas or the ongoing war in the Congo.